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by Saoirse7



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben and Leia reconciliation, Ben does not start in a good place guys, Brief suicidal thoughts, F/M, Nightmares, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption is a process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26482042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saoirse7/pseuds/Saoirse7
Summary: “Are you a light sleeper, Rey of Jakku?” he said, still watching her.She didn’t even stir. So that was a no.He turned the lightsaber over again, looking between the girl and the blade. She looked so small, so peaceful. This was the moment of decision, he knew the bond wouldn’t last for long.Then, in an instant, everything became blazingly clear. He knew what he had to do.Or, in which a Force bond decision changes fate.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 12
Kudos: 117
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quick point of clarification: With Ben/Kylo's name, he refers to himself as Kylo, Rey and Leia call him Ben, everyone else is trying to decide. Enjoy!

Kylo Ren stared at the lightsaber in his hand, turning it over, remembering how he’d crafted it. How he’d needed to alter the traditional design to compensate for all the chaotic energy it gave out. He thought of all the lives it had taken, all the innocent blood spilled by this dark blade.

And of the one innocent in particular that the Emperor now wanted him to end. _Kill the girl_ , the old man had said.

Could he do that? He had killed his father, effectively killed Luke Skywalker, his parents’ friends, his own friends from the Jedi Temple… even Snoke. He had killed them all. And for what? What good was the power he now had if he was still split between the Light and the Dark? If he couldn’t have the one thing he truly wanted?

Palpatine wanted him to kill Rey. Palpatine was a fool.

He had told Luke he would destroy her, his anger consuming him.

But, as he always had, Luke saw right through him. And when the bond on Crait had connected, he knew Luke was right. He could no more destroy Rey than he could destroy himself. She was indeed his greatest weakness.

Then she shut the door in his face. Reminding him once again she would never be his.

His loneliness was now stronger than ever. Rey would not stand with him. She would not turn to the Dark.

Did he honestly want her to? Wasn’t so much of her appeal the beacon of light she had been to his wayward soul? He was fascinated by her strength, her daring, her resistance.

Yet, the more he grew to know her through their bond, the more he realized how alike they were. How different, but so alike. Both searching for a place to belong after facing abandonment and betrayal.

Alike, different, it didn’t matter. She refused to let go of her idealism, and his cynicism had no place in her world.

He went to place the saber on the table when he felt the pull of the bond. _Not now_. At his most vulnerable. That was always when she seemed to find him.

Turning, he expected to find her standing there, disappointment in her eyes, the way she’d looked when he last saw her on the _Falcon_.

He didn’t.

Instead, he found a figure curled up, a blanket tucked under her arm. Fast asleep. On his bed.

He stared at her a long moment in shock.

“That’s interesting,” he murmured at last, and moved to the side of the bed. He’d never considered that the bond could link when one of them wasn’t conscious. The thought scared him a little. What if it had been the other way around? They had discovered they could connect physically. If she had found him asleep, could she kill him?

Could he kill her?

He realized he was still holding his lightsaber and glanced down at it. Palpatine would want him to, at least to try. He didn’t know if it was even possible. Anyone else could do it, would do it, in a heartbeat. A chance to take out the Resistance’s key player? Done.

“Are you a light sleeper, Rey of Jakku?” he said, still watching her.

She didn’t even stir. So that was a no.

He turned the lightsaber over again, looking between the girl and the blade. She looked so small, so peaceful. This was the moment of decision, he knew the bond wouldn’t last for long.

Then, in an instant, everything became blazingly clear. He knew what he had to do.

He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to keep distance between them. “Palpatine wants me to kill you,” he said quietly. “But I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to fight you anymore, Rey.” He sighed and hung his head. “I’m tired of fighting for nothing.” Why was he telling her? She couldn’t hear him. But he had to get it out.

With one last look at his saber, he gently placed it in her outstretched hand, curling her fingers around it. She would destroy it, he hoped. Destroy the darkness it embodied.

“When you wake, you can come to kill me. I won’t fight you.” Without that saber, he had no defense. Even his skill in the Force couldn’t protect him for long. “If you don’t, the Emperor will.”

He was being torn apart, the Light and the Dark warring in his mind and soul. He had thought killing his father would free him. He had thought killing Snoke would. Now he knew only his own death could.

Rey would free him from this pain.

The bond broke and she faded away, taking the lightsaber with her. He stared at the empty space. There wasn’t even the slightest impression on the bed, a wrinkle in the blanket, that said she’d been there. But as she went, he felt the conflict start to mend.

—

Light beams streaming in through her window and the sound of forest creatures slowly roused Rey from a _very_ strange dream. She couldn’t remember it that well, but Ben had been there, talking. The last remnants of his voice scattered away as she woke, and her first thought was that she was disappointed she couldn’t recall any of the words. 

Her second thought was that there was something cold and hard and metal in her hand.

Blearily, she opened one eye, then the other, trying to focus on what it—oh!

Rey shot straight up in her bunk, fully awake, and nearly dropped the lightsaber on the ground. For that’s what it was, the cold, metal thing. She was holding Kylo Ren’s lightsaber in all its dark and menacing glory. She pressed the switch to activate it and watched the ragged blade emerge, blood-red and angry.

Eyes wide in surprise and confusion, she deactivated the saber and glanced around the room. How…they must have bonded while she was asleep. He could have killed her. Instead, he gave her his weapon. What did this mean?

“Rey? You awake?” Finn knocked on the door and opened it a crack. Quickly, she hid the saber beneath the blanket. “Oh, good. You’re up. We’re still doing that training today, right?”

“Yeah, definitely.” She tried to give her most encouraging smile.

It must not have worked, because he immediately looked concerned. “You okay?”

“Fine, yeah,” she nodded. “Just tired.”

He gave her a sidewise glance but apparently decided not to press it. “Okay. I’ll see you in a few.”

“See you,” she responded quietly, but he was already gone.

She turned her attention back to the Sith weapon. There was still good in him, this was the proof.

And she needed to have an overdue conversation with Leia.

“General? May I speak with you?”

It had taken all of her self-control to not approach Leia immediately, but she had promised Finn to run the training exercises with him. He wanted to learn the lightsaber too, after wielding it before. It was a little rushed, but they completed the training.

Then, of course, it was time for the midday meal, so she’d waited until that was finished.

Now, she was practically bursting with the need to talk to Leia about what happened and what it could mean: she may be able to bring Ben home.

Leia turned towards her and smiled, but Rey glanced at the other officers and gave them an apologetic look before saying, “Privately?”

“Excuse us,” the General said, and the two of them stepped to the side.

“Yes?”

Rey opened her mouth and closed it again. She realized she didn’t know where to start. How would she explain something she hadn’t even reasoned out to herself?

“I…” She reached into her satchel and withdrew the dark saber, deciding to start at the end and work her way backward.

Leia’s eyes followed her movements and widened as she saw the blade. “Where did you get that?”

“He gave it to me. Last night, I…” She took a deep breath. “I have a connection, with your son. Some kind of Force connection, I don’t really understand it.” Leia was watching her, interested, so she pressed on. “It started when I was training with Luke. I woke up one morning and he was there.”

“Who was?”

“Kylo Ren. As clear as I’m seeing you. It was like he was there, but he wasn’t. We talked, and the more it happened, the stronger the bond was.”

“Luke didn’t know.” It wasn’t a question.

“Not at first,” Rey admitted, still unsure why she hadn’t wanted to share that with the Jedi legend. “He wasn’t happy when he found out, though.”

“I would imagine not. Luke and Ben’s relationship was…difficult.”

“I heard about that,” she murmured but didn’t discuss it further. She took a steadying breath and continued. “The stronger our bond was, the more I was convinced that Ben Solo was still in there and he could be the key to end the war. Luke had no interest rejoining, so I thought Ben…”

Leia eyebrows rose in surprise at the use of her son’s name.

“He was different, with me. Not like Kylo. Not angry.”

The General gave a shaky nod for her to go on.

“I went to him on Snoke’s ship. I thought he would turn. He did kill Snoke, but he…he wasn’t ready.” Tears filled her eyes as she remembered the disaster in the throne room after they had killed the guards. “I thought I’d failed.”

She looked down at the saber she was still holding.

“It looks like you might not have.”

Rey nodded but found it hard to speak past the lump in her throat.

“Tell me about the saber,” Leia said after a pause. “What happened last night?”

“We must have connected while I was asleep. I woke up and it was there in my hand. If we were looking for proof that your son is still alive, I believe this is it. Instead of trying to attack me, he gave me the lightsaber.”

“And what are you going to do with it?”

With a deep breath, Rey looked up and smiled. “With your permission, I’ll go and bring him home.”

—

“We’re going to do what now?”

She understood Poe and Finn’s incredulity but she needed their help to fly the _Falcon_. “You heard me. When can we make the jump to lightspeed?”

“You know this is crazy, right? Who’s to say we’re not walking right into a trap?”

“I am. We can bring Ben Solo back to fight for the Resistance.”

“I don’t think Ren has any interest—” The look Rey shot Finn was daggers and he sputtered to a stop. “Alright, but if this goes south, it’s on you.”

“I’ll take that. Ready?”

“No,” Poe started, but she had already punched it.

—

“Resistance ship approaching, sir. It appears to be the _Millennium Falcon_. Shall I give the order to terminate?”

Kylo Ren turned from the window where he had been watching his father’s hated ship glide towards his Destroyer. “Allow it to land.”

“Sir?”

“I said allow it to land!”

She had come for him.

—

He was waiting for them in the hangar, mask on. Poe and Finn both agreed that she should be the one to confront him, since she had dragged them on this madcap adventure in the first place.

“He isn’t going to hurt me, we have his lightsaber back at the base,” she reminded them, for what felt like the fifteenth time.

“He can do plenty of damage without it,” Poe muttered.

She sighed. “Keep the ship running, we’ll need to make a swift exit, regardless.”

Then, with a deep breath, she walked down the boarding ramp to face him.

It was just him this time, no Stormtroopers or First Order officers flanking him.

“Have you come to kill me?” he asked without preamble.

“What? No!” Her face contorted in a mixture of surprise and dismay. “Why would I kill you?”

“Oh.” He sounded…disappointed?

“I’ve come to bring you home, Ben.”

He stared at her, the mask removing any emotion she might have seen in his face.

“I don’t have a home.”

“We can change that. Come with us.”

He didn’t move, so she decided to play her trump card. “Leia wants you home.” It was true, Leia did want to see the return of her son. Rey just hoped she was right and there was enough of him left.

The man jerked almost imperceptibly at the mention of his mother, then, slowly, reached up and removed his mask.

“Why would she want me home?”

“You’re her son, Ben. She loves you.”

His face still held so much conflict. He had been trying to hide that from her. But she didn’t think his reluctance to come had anything to do with a draw to the Dark. This was all but confirmed immediately with his next whispered words.

“After everything?”

Rey nodded. “You have to stop running eventually. Come with us, please.” She held out a hand and his gaze shifted. “If not for me, then for yourself. They’ll kill you once they find out what you’ve done.”

His jaw tightened and his brow furrowed ever so slightly. A long moment passed before his eyes met hers again, his face still stoic with emotions raging underneath. Suddenly, it was as though a weight had been lifted. His features softened, his expression relaxed.

He shot a glance behind him at the room overlooking the hangar, where several First Order officers stood, likely wondering what in the galaxy he was doing. Then he gave her a brief nod, dropped his helmet to the floor, and took her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo ducked into the _Falcon_ , took one look at her friends’ scowling faces and decided he’d deal with that later, and headed to the cockpit. “You guys are ready to get out of here, right?”

“Yeah, we already have the coordinates in and the hyperdrive prepped.” Rey had followed him.

“Good,” he muttered, and used the Force to drag several TIEs lined up on the wall out of their sockets to crash into the hangar in flames, even as he started flipping switches for the takeoff.

Instead of stopping him, Rey plunked into the co-pilot’s chair. “You know what you’re doing?”

The hangar was already swarming with Stormtroopers, trying to cripple or destroy the _Falcon_ with well-placed shots.

“We’ll find out. Shut up!” he snapped at an alarm blaring and silenced it with a few button mashes. “Hold on!”

“You can’t make the jump from inside the hangar!”

He saw her wide-eyed look from the corner of his eye, but he knew this ship could make it. With everything Han had poured into this ship, if anything could make it, it was this one.

He flipped two more switches and then slammed the lever that rocketed them into lightspeed.

They both sat back with a deep breath as the ship stabilized in hyperspace.

“You’re as crazy as your father,” Rey gasped, and he frowned. “I saw him do that once, the first day I met him. Though the hangar was larger. And there was a rathtar on the cockpit.”

His eyebrows rose. “Rathtar?”

She was saved from further explanation as her friends came stumbling into the cockpit.

“Are you crazy? You could have killed us!” the dark-skinned former Stormtrooper bit out.

His mind automatically said _traitor_ but he pushed the thought away. “But I didn’t,” Kylo reminded them. “FN-2187, isn’t it?”

“It’s Finn, actually,” the man corrected acidly, and Kylo repeated the name with a tight smile before nodding and turning to look at the other man.

“Poe Dameron,” he supplied.

“The best pilot in the Resistance.”

“That’s right.”

“And what do we call you?” Finn cut in. “Supreme Leader? Kylo Ren?” He paused. “Solo?”

Kylo frowned and his fist clenched instinctively at the name. “Whatever you want,” he said shortly, and pushed past them out of the cockpit.

He’d barely made it to the galley when alarms started blaring again. _What now?_ The ship jerked and shuddered and he jogged back to where Finn was staring at the control console as Rey and Poe were frantically trying to determine and fix the problem. Lights were flashing and angry warnings showing on the monitors.

Then, with a groan, the _Falcon_ dropped out of hyperspace.

A string of expletives flooded his mind, mostly about this _piece of junk ship_ and the man who’d extensively modified it, but he pressed his lips together and didn’t allow the words out. He watched in silence a minute more until he finally pointed at an innocuous set of buttons in the corner.

“Those will stop the alarms and the two red dials to the right will clear the monitor warnings.”

Three heads swiveled to stare at him.

“You did this,” Finn began accusingly. “This is because we jumped to lightspeed in the hangar.”

Kylo sighed. “No, this is because the ship was taking blaster fire in the hangar.” He leaned forward to read the monitors.

“The hyperdrive is leaking.” Poe was also frowning at the intrusion. “Good news, we’re far enough from where we should be that the First Order can’t track us. Bad news, we’re far enough from where we should be that travel time just quadrupled.”

“How much is quadrupled? Hours? Days?” Finn made no attempt to keep the rising panic out of his tone.

“Why can’t we stop off at the nearest civilized planet and make repairs?”

Rey’s question was logical, but in the most recognized ship in the galaxy and him on board as the First Order’s most wanted, any place they tried to stop would likely have the end result of slowing them down.

“I don’t want to be arrested,” was his only response, and her lips mouthed a silent _oh_.

“I do not want to be stuck on this ship with _him_ for days,” he heard Finn say behind him.

“Trust me, I don’t like it either,” Kylo retorted, “but we don’t have the choice. I’m sure you have food and a refresher. Just send a message to whoever that we’ll be a little late.”

Rey nodded with the ghost of a smile. “I’ll get the message to General Organa.”

General Organa. His mother. The weight of his decision washed over him once more. Would she really want to see him again?

He spun and marched back out of the cockpit, preferring solitude to the hopeful look in Rey’s eyes or the scorn and disgust from the other two.

—

Finn and Poe shared a look as Ben left—again—and Rey sighed. “Well, we didn’t expect him to be perfect right away, did we?” she murmured. She typed out the short message to Leia and turned to Poe. “I’m going to go after him. You’ve got this, right?”

He graced her with one of his classic grins. “Of course.”

She found Ben in the common area, staring at the dejarik table with the echoes of its last game. She didn’t need to see his face to feel the waves of regret and the undercurrent of anger.

What she planned to say died on her lips as she watched him, lost in the memories. Instead, she cleared her throat, hoping not to startle him, but he still flinched and quickly shut off the game.

“Did you play?”

“Only once. Ages ago.” He rubbed a hand over his face.

This might not be the best time, but the question was burning in her mind. She took a deep breath. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“The lightsaber.”

The question hung heavy in the air a long moment.

“I didn’t know what else to do.” His voice was so quiet she had to strain to hear it. “Did you destroy it?”

“No.”

He turned fully to face her now. “What? Why not?”

“It isn’t my place. But you can, when we get back.”

The look he gave her was unreadable, but she saw his jaw tighten. She decided to steer the conversation into safer airspace.

“Anyway, the galley is stocked and the ‘fresher is around the corner. Make yourself at home.”

“At home,” he muttered darkly, and walked away.

Well, that didn’t work.

Heading back to the cockpit, she smiled to see her friends arguing good-naturedly about the new training regimen and how much it cut into Poe’s flight time.

“Any luck determining our ETA?”

“Hey! Sick of Supreme Brooder already?”

“No, and don’t call him that.” She waggled a finger in Poe’s direction.

Finn shrugged. “He said we could call him whatever we want.”

“Of his _names_.”

Poe smirked. “Nah, I like mine.”

She rolled her eyes as they slipped into an easy banter. At the same time, she was glad Ben wasn’t there to hear them.

After a little while, she found Ben in the galley, picking disinterestedly at a protein mash. He looked tired, now that the adrenaline of their escape had worn off. She dropped into the seat across from him. “Poe says we should be there in about seventeen hours, give or take.”

He nodded to accept this information but kept his gaze focused on the table.

“Why don’t you get some rest? You look like you could use it.”

His eyebrows rose but he still didn’t look at her. “Thanks,” he said dryly.

“Well, it’s just that—”

“I knew what you meant. But I’m fine.”

“It’s nearly midnight, Coruscant Standard Time.” Not that she cared, Ajan Kloss was on a different time cycle and she was accustomed to that. But they kept a timepiece set to the CST on board, and she was guessing that’s what his Destroyer went by to have some semblance of day and night.

“I said, I’m fine.” He met her eyes with a flinty expression, then stifled an ill-timed yawn.

She let out a huff and left, returning shortly with an extra blanket and pillow. “Don’t be difficult. Crew quarters are that way,” she pointed.

He matched her glare for another minute before he relented and took the proffered bedding, disappearing into the corridor beyond.

About two hours later, Finn, who had been going to take the first nap of their shifts, came bursting back into the cockpit.

“It’s Ren.”

—

_He sees his father standing in front of him. His father offers to help him. His father doesn’t know what he’s offering._

_Hope burns in his father’s eyes. Hope turns to horror as the searing blade rips through his chest. Red, everything is red._

_A scream of agony. He thinks it’s the scavenger and the traitor. It isn’t. It’s him._

_He sees his father walking to a dark figure on the platform. He tries to run but his legs won’t move. He tries to shout but his mouth won’t open._ Stop _, his father has to stop, the wraith will kill him if he doesn’t stop—_

_His mother watches his father fall. He tries to go to her. She turns her back._

_He sees his mother standing in front of his father’s ship. Her hard gaze is accusing. “My son is dead,” she says. The door hisses shut and he is left behind. The blue fades into the distance as he watches the_ Falcon _fly away…_

—

Rey followed Finn back to the crew quarters and her heart constricted as she spotted Ben. He was tangled in the blanket, hair glued to his forehead with sweat. His breathing was shallow, his expression locked in a grimace. The smallest of whimpers was barely audible over the sound of the _Falcon_ as he thrashed.

“He was a lot louder when I came in a minute ago,” Finn said from the doorway. “Figured you might want to…”

She nodded. “Give us a moment?”

As Finn moved away, she stepped over to the side of the bunk. “Ben?” she tried, quietly at first. “Ben, wake up.”

His grip tightened in the blanket and he jerked away from her, still caught in the trap of his dream.

“Ben?” Tentatively, she reached out a hand to gently shake him awake.

At the first touch of her hand to his shoulder, he flinched and awoke with a start, casting her a wide-eyed look of terror over his shoulder from a drawn and pale face. He turned away just as quickly, facing the wall as he took a deep, shuddering breath followed by a slow exhale.

She said nothing, waiting while he composed himself. After another similar breath, he sat up and threw his legs over the side of the bunk, not meeting her gaze.

“Nightmare?”

He nodded, once, before muttering, “I had hoped it would be different, now that I— but this ship,” he sighed and glanced up at the ceiling, “and the mem—” He cut himself off with a swallow and stood. “Is there anything I can do around here?”

“Ben, you need to sleep.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m too tired to dream,” he said in a voice without emotion, finally looking at her, eyes pleading.

As much as she wanted him to get the rest he needed, she also understood the need for distraction, and only hesitated an instant before it was her turn to nod. The _Falcon_ always had a long list of minor issues that needed to be fixed, plus the major issues that seemed to show up more often than not. There was plenty to do, almost too much to do.

She pointed him in the direction of the tool kit and gave him a handful of tasks from the list, nothing that would be too life-threatening if he didn’t complete them or messed them up. Even—and maybe especially—with who his father was, she didn’t trust his repair abilities until he’d had the chance to prove them.

The next several hours were quiet. She, Poe, and Finn took turns taking naps so there would be someone to check in on the _Falcon_ every so often; even though she was on autopilot, the old rust bucket needed someone to keep watch to make sure everything was running smoothly, especially since they were forced to travel through realspace.

She found she couldn’t hate the task, though. As much as she loved piloting it, every moment she spent on the _Falcon_ felt like something connecting her to Han, and she loved that even more.

And now they were completing Han’s last mission.

“We’re bringing him home,” Rey murmured to the empty cockpit, a faint smile on her lips.


	3. Chapter 3

One hour until they arrived at the Resistance base, Kylo Ren in tow. Finn scowled at the thought. He still didn’t understand why Rey had wanted to retrieve him, or why Ren had any interest in going to the Resistance in the first place.

Or not Ren. Ben, now, he supposed. That was what Rey called him. And the man was General Organa’s son.

Finn hoped that he would act like it. The General deserved that and more after what she’d dealt with over the last year.

He sighed and checked a few systems to make sure they would be set for landing. While he didn’t know much about piloting, he knew a few things about keeping a ship running.

The thought reminded him of the First Order, which reminded him of Kylo Ren, which reminded him that Rey had asked him to try to locate him, as he hadn’t been seen since Finn found him wracked by a nightmare in the crew quarters.

Still grumbling about the man and the task and the mission in general, Finn took a turn down a dim maintenance corridor in the bowels of the ship—

—and almost stumbled over a long pair of legs stretched out on the floor.

It took Finn a panicked moment to realize the body sprawled on the ground was Ren and that the man was not dead, but slumped in sleep, a hydrospanner still in his hand.

Without his cape or the angry snarl on his face, Ren could be anyone. His dark hair was strewn across a face that looked years younger, not carrying the weight of a galaxy and a lifetime of rage. Finn could almost forget that this was the man who’d been hunting them the last year, barely letting the Resistance catch a break. The man who had killed Han Solo. The man who had nearly killed Finn himself on Starkiller.

Almost, but not quite.

He frowned as he remembered Rey’s hasty and jumbled explanation. Ben was choosing a different path, he had been the one to kill Snoke, he was on their side.

Well, Finn would believe it when he saw it.

Rey was convinced she could keep Ren in check. If nothing else, Finn believed in Rey.

He let out a long breath and reached over to shake Ren awake.

The slightest touch was all it took. Finn noticed how Ren’s fingers immediately tightened on the tool, ready to make it into a weapon at a moment’s notice, and wondered idly how often the man had needed to fight for his life after a rude awakening.

Ren’s eyes darted around the corridor before landing on Finn, and his posture relaxed ever so slightly.

Apparently, Finn wasn’t a threat. There was no way Ren considered him a friendly face.

“Rey wanted me to find you. Make sure you were alright.”

The other man nodded and struggled to sit up. “Are we almost there?”

“ETA is one hour.”

Ren stood and brushed dirt off his pants. “Tell her I’ll be there soon.”

Finn gave him a terse nod before turning away so Ren wouldn’t see his frown. He wasn’t a messenger boy. _This is for Rey_ , he reminded himself. _No murders on the_ Millennium Falcon _._

But he couldn’t resist casting a final dirty look over his shoulder as he headed back to the others.

—

Kylo waited until Finn was out of earshot before exhaling heavily and running a hand over his face. He didn’t remember falling asleep, and he hated that the man had found him so vulnerable. Still, he would prefer that awakening to someone standing over him with a blaster—or a lightsaber.

_One hour_ , Finn said. His stomach jumbled into knots. Why was it that he could face down a horde of cultists on Mustafar without flinching but nearly trembled over seeing his mother again?

He drew in another shaky breath with a slow exhale, staring at the control panel he was trying to fix without really seeing it. The memory of his earlier dream played on repeat in his mind as his mother turned away over and over and over—

He pushed off from the wall in frustration, cursing his weakness. Everything about him was weakness. Everything, including—

“Ben?”

His head whipped around, too-long curls falling in his face. Rey stood framed by the light beyond the gloomy maintenance corridor.

A perfect metaphor for his life. Light, just out of reach. But Rey, there, waiting for him in the Light.

He sighed. “I was going to be there in a moment.”

She lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “Finn said he found you asleep. Were you dreaming again?”

“No.” It was nice to have a respite from time to time.

Her head tilted. “Then what is it?”

“What is what?” What was it with her vague questions?

“This,” she waved her hand in a gesture he guessed was supposed to encompass all of him, and made a face, “darkness. I could sense it from the common area.”

He looked away quickly and tugged a hand through his hair. She could sense his weakness?

“It’s nothing.”

“Ben, don’t shut me out now. We’re here to help.”

_Who’s we?_ Kylo thought, a bit bitterly as he recalled the expression on Finn’s face. But she was waiting for a reply. “Just remembering my earlier dream,” he mumbled after a moment.

“Are you nervous about seeing your mother again?”

“I shouldn’t be.”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

_Weak. Unbalanced._ All he could see was being left behind, the _Falcon_ a dark spot in the distance. Why did he think he could go back to his mother after all the things he’d done?

Her touch on his arm startled him, and he looked down at her, eyes wide.

“It’s alright to be nervous, but you’ve already done one of the hardest parts. You left the First Order and came with us. Ben, that’s huge.”

The smile on her face and hope in her eyes made him wish it was that easy. He nodded, willing it to be the end of the conversation.

But Rey wasn’t finished. “The fact that you care about her reaction shows how much you care for her.”

“For so long, I was taught that caring is weakness,” he murmured after careful deliberation. “Snoke always said…well—”

“Snoke was wrong, and that’s why he’s dead. Caring isn’t weakness. It’s strength.” She paused and smiled sadly. “I was alone for so long, and I thought I was strong. But it wasn’t until I found people that cared about me in the Resistance that I realized how important that is, and how much stronger you are for it.”

He made a non-committal noise. That same Resistance had taken her from him the last time they were together.

No, he couldn’t think that way. He was going to the Resistance. He had defected from the First Order. The Resistance was no longer the opposite side of the war, and he shouldn’t think of them as the enemy.

Even if they still considered him the enemy.

He sucked in a deep breath. For Rey, he would make the same decision again, every time. This was the only way he didn’t have to fight her anymore.

_You are my greatest strength._ The thought surprised him, but he knew it instantly to be true. He would have never made this decision without her.

For the first time, the Light might be in reach.

Poe’s yell startled them both, and they jumped apart as though caught doing something wrong.

“Must be getting close.” There was something shy in Rey’s smile now that he didn’t quite understand. “Come on.”

He let her lead him to the cockpit, and he could tell there were a lot of trees on the planet’s surface but not much else through the black of night.

“It’s about three in the morning here,” Rey said quietly beside him. “The only person who will greet us is General Organa.”

Relief flooded him at her words. Tomorrow, he would face the judgment of the Resistance and whatever that may bring.

But today, he only needed to manage the judgment of one.

Granted, it was a big one. His heart still stuttered an irregular rhythm at the thought. The lights of the base drew nearer and then Poe was putting down the landing gear and he could see her standing there and he knew he wasn’t ready to face her but then Rey took his hand and he remembered her words from a lifetime ago: _not alone_.

She kept her hand in his as they waited for the boarding ramp to lower and squeezed it gently with an even softer smile. Then his eyes met his mother’s and he found he couldn’t look away.

Dimly, he registered Rey letting go and telling Finn and Poe to wait as he staggered forward. When had his mother become so small? When had her hair become so gray?

She was watching him, her face in a carefully blank mask. He stopped in front of her and this close, he could see her eyes were shining with unshed tears.

“Mom,” he gasped, then his knees gave out and he fell at her feet. “I’m so sorry.” He forced the words past the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry about Dad, and Luke, and—” He swiped at his cheek and was surprised to find his palm came away wet. Words failed him as he thought of everything he was sorry for, everything he so deeply regretted but could never undo.

A light touch on the back of his head startled him, and he stiffened instinctively. But the touch remained, fingers gently carding through his hair, and then he heard his mother’s voice for the first time in more than a decade, “I know.”

She placed both arms around him, then he watched in shock as she knelt and pulled his head to her shoulder. “I just wanted my son to come home,” she murmured in his ear. “I love you, Ben. I’m sorry, too.”

He couldn’t stop the sobs, then. It was as though a dam broke within him. Three decades of never being enough, of grasping for shreds of affection, of hating and being hated poured out in a torrent, his shoulders shaking. She held him all the while, one hand rubbing soothing circles into his back while the other stayed in his hair. He could hear her quiet reassurances and felt like he had as a child, running to his mother because he fell and scraped his knee. This was so much more than that.

For the first time since Ben could remember, he wasn’t being torn apart.

After what felt like an eternity, his mother rose to her feet and brushed off her clothes, then extended a hand to him. He took it, and she smiled.

“Welcome home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the responses! On to another adventure soon!

**Author's Note:**

> In an ongoing saga of "what can we change to make the end of TRoS not happen," we have the "throw out most of the movie" edition. More to come! I'm also working on a smuggler Ben story, so stay tuned!


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